Three years ago today, I found out I was going to be a mom. David and I had been married for almost 8 months, and I was feeling GNARLY. Because my cycle is super weird and ranges between 37-52 days, I was technically not late, but took two home pregnancy tests, over a week apart, both were negative. David made me make an appointment with my doctor, and I agreed, but only if he went with me. 

My appointment was first thing on a Thursday, we got ready for work and drove separately to the doctors office. My doctor had recently moved to another city, and the nurse I had grown up seeing hadn’t made the move. The new nurse was a young man, and he asked me the usual questions, what my symptoms were, when my last period was ::pause:: so I explained my weird cycle to him. 

“Okay, let’s have you take a pregnancy test,” said the nurse. 

“No, I already took two, they were negative. So I’m good,” I replied. 

“I think we should have you take one just in case,” he countered. 

I think I probably rolled my eyes but agreed, poor guy. 

And then I sat on the exam table waiting for my doctor. She walked in with her arms up in victory, “CONGRATULATIONS!” 

“For what?” I replied. 

“It was positive!” She answered. 

“What…” I was flabbergasted. I stared at her like she had two heads. “I took two tests at home…”

She turned back out to the hallway, and asked the nurse, “It was positive, right?” I heard a faint, “yes.”

I started laughing and crying at once. “It’s good news, yes?…” My doctor asked. 

“Yes! The best news! Can you get David?” I asked between laughing tears. I must’ve looked bonkers. 

And then David walked in, he looked concerned and I said, “we’re having a baby.” He was speechless, he nodded, smiled and hugged me. 

When we were walking out of the doctor’s office and into the elevator, I turned to David and said, “it’s a boy.”

“How do you know?” He asked.  

“I just do, I’m his mom.” 

It was the happiest day, and also completely terrifying. I needed to document it in some way, so I wrote Lucas, then my Tiny Human, a letter.

Dear Tiny Human,

Today, Thursday, April 25, 2013, I found out that I will be your mommy. I’m not going to lie to you, my excitement is only matched by how freaked out I am. See, Tiny Human, what you will soon know about me is that mommy likes a plan, and you have arrived early to the plan. But I know that you are the perfect person for me, I know that I am meant to be your mommy. I have been waiting for you my whole life. You are the only constant that I have ever known; my desire to be a mom.

I promise to do my best to host you here in my womb comfortably for the next few months. I promise to keep you safe for the rest of your life. And if I ever fail you, I promise to keep trying to be better. I don’t know how to be a mom, so this will be a learning curve for me, but I’m a quick study. And if I do mess up, I promise to foot the therapy bills. And frankly Tiny Human, a little dysfunction will actually give you character and make you funny, I promise.

You should also know that your daddy is the most amazing man I know. He is funny, and smart, and kind, and handsome, and wonderful. We were married almost 8 months ago. It was the happiest day of my life, until today. Today tops them all. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel a strange desire to both climb mount Everest and also to climb inside a tank and wait for your arrival in there. Mommy is silly, I know.

I also want you to know something: Anything is possible. I believe in you. I will love you every day, for the rest of your life, no matter what. I want you to stop and smell the flowers. Gaze into the sky. Imagine the universe in all its glory. Dream really big. And love life every day. Whomever you become, I will be proud to be your mom. I will always love you.

See you in about 34-35 weeks.

Love you,

Mom

Although, I’ve always loved having a plan, I couldn’t be more thankful that the universe had a different, way more perfect plan for me. Three years later, here I am, a momma of two. La vida es Bella.